How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.

Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will never be able to support you.

How do you know when a woman's about to say something smart?
When she starts her sentence with "A man once told me...."

Why do men pass gas more than women?
Because women won't shut up long enough to build up pressure.

If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog of course...at least he'll shut up after you let him in.

What do you call a woman with two brain cells?
Pregnant.

I married Miss Right.
I just didn't know her first name was Always.

I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months -
I don't like to interrupt her.

What do you call a woman who has lost 95% of her intelligence?
Divorced.

Bigamy is having one wife too many.
Many say monogamy is the same.

Scientists have discovered one certain food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%....
....wedding cake.

Marriage is a three ring circus - engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffe-ring.

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