'la Fee Verte'

For a time I almost felt that if I touched you,
like a puddle painting we might melt together
and withdrawing a finger from your body
you'd somehow cling to me like magnetic water
or maybe I would just keep falling into you -
into that devilish little grin you always used to wear,
but I felt the lightest touch of heaven
whenever I was just drowning in your stare

And ever since our eyes first saw each other
it seemed they confessed far more than we intended -
it was at once slightly scary and wholly exhilirating,
like dreams and truths, only half imagined
and when thoughts lay overlapped in unspoken dreams
you were like perfection to an imperfect soul
and I could see the beauty in your dissonance -
a riot of color in a dreary grey world

And I remember those tragic, beautiful eyes of your's
when words turned to dreams and slipped cat-quick into nightmares,
when in a subtle instant all of the world melted away,
and you seemed all of my dreams, and all of hoping's very fears
and with a peacefulness like fireflies on a cloudless night
the air always shimmered with magic and perfection,
and I always wished to God I could have held onto the moon
so that those stolen nights could never have ended

But somehow you were suddenly torn from me
with a bitter taste in my mouth of ashes and absinthe
and I was left still wondering if you were only a dream
and trying to find a way to erode away your abscence
but I found myself fiending for your prescence
and I came to realize how much like a drug you'd become to me
and I kept trying to find a way to find a way
to either bring you back, or erase me from our memories

And sometimes I'd awaken and feel you there
like a sunrise, drenched in utter silence
lying there in such exquisite, beautiful peace
and all of your weight just draped across my chest
lost in a breath of night, dreaming each other's dreams
like two threads of smoke swirling into oblivion -
but then in all of a sudden, subtle instant
I'd shake the dreams from my eyes, and you'd be gone again...

And you always seemed to haunt me with dreams
of candlelight and incense and the smell of your skin,
all of the things we said we'd do
and all the things that might have, could have been
and as the candle's light played it's shadows on the walls
sometimes I can almost feel you here with me
and captured in my mind's eye like a dragonfly in amber,
I can still see the way your eyes used to look at me

And cold months dangled on the landscape
until finally on a moonless night you stood before me,
your eyes so beautiful in their hidden sadness
and your every touch becoming my every dream
but just like always, you were torn from me again
because everything I am was never everything you'd need
and like smoke thru my fingertips, like ashes in the wind
you're always fragrant burning embers falling away from me

And now candlelight is fading, daylight is breaking,
and reality keeps crashing back in with it's 'fuck you' smile
and I know that you're gone now, but I couldn't help feeling
like I died just a little bit each day, for awhile
when darkness spread it's wings and fell around me
with the feeling of something so heavily tainted
and the stars breathed their twilight dreams
laced with images of a love still unrequited

...And I'm coming to know now that I'll never see you again,
never have you as my own -
and as much as you swam beneath my skin,
it's funny how the distance always learns to grow
but I never got a chance to say goodbye
to all the worlds of never been
and I never thought that I would be
just some violent storm fading on your horizon..

"And somewhere through a thousand blues
a dragonfly descends with just a whisper:
'I'm lonelier than God.'"

:: Andrew Miller

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