Ah, yes, "divorce;" from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet. -Robin Williams

Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month I can be myself. -Roseanne

Never raise your hand to your children -- it leaves your mid-section unprotected.

I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.

I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.

How about never? Is never good for you?

I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship me.

I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.

I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.

Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.

If you eat something and no one sees you eat it, it has no calories.

TEAMWORK means never having to take all the blame yourself.

If quitters never win, and winners never quit, what fool came up with, "Quit while you're ahead"?<

Okay, who stopped the payment on my reality check?

I believe the only time the world beats a path to my door is when I'm in the bathroom.

If they arrested the Energizer Bunny, would they charge it with battery?

If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it FedUP?

The problem with patting yourself on the back is that your hands aren't free to break your fall.

What WAS the best thing before sliced bread?

A penny saved is ridiculous.

All that glitters has a high refractive index.

Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

Drive defensively - buy a tank.

To err is human, to really foul things up requires a computer.

Let not the sands of time get in your lunch.

When in doubt, don't bother.

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.

Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.

No one is listening until you make a mistake.

The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required on it.

The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.

Money can't buy love. But it CAN rent a very close imitation.

If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.

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